Hurt and alone...
Mood:  hug me
Greed...one of the 7 sins..which is the downfall of many a man...

As i ponder this, going over my head over and over again, i ask myself what is it do i really want?

Im scared...im scared that i might end up to be like Eugene...who died alone...he chose to end his life...he was my friend...a friend whom i opened up to and kept no secrets...he was there when i fell, and im up..and then suddenly, he's gone..without a word, without warning...im scared...one day..i will end up like him...

Why does everything have to be so difficult? All I ask for is to be happy and carefree...and yes, i do know that I seem that way to alot of people but im lonely...i crave for attention...for love...for someone to hold me when im sad, to see me when I dont, to let me know everything will be ok at the end of the day...

Relationships, or the gist of it all, seems to escape me...most of my relationships are ended by me...i choose to end them...and then i choose to break my heart and cry bitterly over them...why? why do i choose to hurt myself in the ways i do? Why do i always start something which i cannot end and then break myself up over them?

I take no pleasure in it...but yet i do it over and over again...i think i know why...the answer seems so clear cut...memories...its always difficult to let go of memories..things you hold dear to your heart..ive never been able to let go of memories...or dwell on something which i think might have happened or could have...crossroads...i dont know wat to do with my life anymore...at the age of 29..i am lost...i am scared...im scared i will be like Eugene..

i find myself thinking sucidial thoughts again...it would be so easy to end it all...but yet i linger on...hoping for a miracle...something to come along and tell me everything is gonna be ok...im a dreamer, i still hold on to that thought...perhaps there is a way out afterall...but is there? will there?

i dont know...im lost..im scared...

Hurt & Angry
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: You Lost that Loving Feeling
Im hurt and upset as Im writing this....

I really hate to make my friends choose between the bf and friend; and i promised that i'll never make my friends do that but gawd...i really hate to see my friends on a one-way collision course....

I guess its love that does that? but i was there once and i know all it does is gonna hurt both parties...am i wrong to be so protective over my friends? Perhaps I am wrong and its not my place to judge...but i dont know..am i wrong?

When i call someone FRIEND, i go all out to protect her...make her happy...and i adore them..and yes...this falling out...hurts...ill rather lose a bf whom i have known for shorter time than a friend i know who will never let me down....

it hurts... =(

Commandments or Relationships and Friendships
Mood:  incredulous
Ok, i dont understand some relationships...seriously i do NOT.

I've been thru enough lousy friendships and relationships to know there are certain rules to be followed....

- There IS such a thing called HONEYMOON period.

Yanno that period when couples just get together? The sweetest period ever =) IT would be nice to spend this time getting to know each other more...the revelation of hand holding..hugging...kissing....or just spending time together....that is precious...and NO, it is NOT a lack of independence or watever shyt u guys conjure up if all the girl is asking for more time together during this period.

- Give and take

This applies to ALL relationships, be it friendship or BGR. It's great to have your girlfriend meet your friends etc at times, but it would be greater if you
can do it back for her. DO not expect her to adjust her schedule and lifestyle for her if you cannot do it for her. Don't make her sit at home all the time, wondering when u will call etc. That is just selfish.

Remember that she would also like to introduce you to her friends sometimes so don't give that fuckin excuse that 'you wanna know her better first before meeting friends'...if you give that excuse, don't expect her to meet up with YOUR friends all the time.

- COmplaints

Please do NOT , i repeat, do NOT complain about her to her friends, give her that respect; afterall her friends are HER friends, and who the hell do u tink you are to complain and whine about her when you only known her for a short period of time and her friends know her much longer???

'If you cant take the heat, get the fuck out of the kitchen'

- COntrol & change

Never NEVER try to control her or change her, especially the latter.
The reason why you guys are together in the first place, should be cuz you like her for her. Why would u wanna change her to suit your lifestyle or character?
Btw, altho she is with you, she is still entitled to go out with her friends without having to report her every movement to you. OH rite, if she says she is in the middle of something with her friends, be it play, eat or just talking, have the BASIC courtesy to say you will call her back or ask her to do so after she is done.

- Nag, Grumble and Respect

This is almost the same as the above...but to me, its more serious sia...
Refrain from nagging or grumbling at her too often; it's really sweet to begin with and it could be concern etc but gawd...after awhile and non-stop nagging etc, it gets ALL TOO TIRING.
MEN SHOULD NOT NAG TOO MUCH, LEAVE THAT TO THE WOMEN, CAN???
Give her the respect that she is an adult and she is mature enough to think for herself.
Showing concern is one thing but fuck...quit while you are ahead!!!

- Comparison and History

Gawd...this is the worst of the lot.
The one thing that everyone hates more than i hate tau-ge, is comparing and digging up ancient relationship history.
Everyone is different and so is every fuckin relationship. If you expect the current relationship to be exactly like the last one, then WHY THE FUCK DID U LEAVE THE LAST ONE????
Do NOT compare ur current GF with your last GF, that is sooo unacceptable.
ANd gawd, please do not dig up ancient history or wrongdoings in arguments, or the quarrel will never end. YOu will just end up feeling bitter abt every damn thing, and the questioning begins.

- Know wen it is over...and walk on...let it go...

I tink this is the last of it....KNow when a relationship is over.
So you have tried 101% and put in all u can, but in the end, its a futile fight; It is time to walk away.
I know it's hard and its really difficult..but who wants to keep flogging a dead horse?
Be it u really like that person and really think he is the one for you, but if he keeps making u misreable and u have lost that spark ur friends love in you...or worse...u losing your friends cuz of him...ask yourself..is it worth it...?
Stop to re-examine the whole situation...is he doing you any good? Both physically and emotionally?

I write the above based on personal experience...I was in the above shoes once...as im sure many of us have...my personal experience, up to today..is something which is very painful..and it still hurts up to today...

I look back sometimes and wonder how I could ever get myself into such situations..but i swore to myself then, and ill swear again...NEVER AGAIN.

Do not ever EVER let anyone step all over you, no matter wat reason or excuse he mite have...at the end of the day...its only you...when teh world comes to an end...YOU will be the only one left standing...think about it...

Must Blog meh???? ok...WEBCAMS RULEEE!!!!!
Mood:  caffeinated
i know not much update lately cuz im so bloody lazy yanno....haizz...so ok anyway..

Things are going great with Lutz...he's coming down year end!!! Yay!!!! ABout damn time too!!!

oh oh and I got a webcam, buy from Creative sale...so im a cheapo..haha..anyway...hehe...yep..ME on a webcam and i am damn photogenic leh!! ok, well i always known that cuz thats what Eugene used to tell me too...hehe...'The Camera Loves you'...dat's what he says...and considering he is professional photographer, that means alot!!

anyway forced Lutz to get one too, which he was reluctant to do so and then went out and got an een more expensive one than mine...nabei...@$(*)(#*@!!

and then because i had so much funn camming, i went out and got another for the office...and THEN after seeing i had so much fun camming, drea got tempted and went out to get one too!! WEEEEEEE!!!!

so end up now, everyday cannot work, until cam each other nia...cialat hor...sigh...but wat to do? i very free lor....haizz...who ask me to be over-efficient????

Andrea
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Adia - Sarah M.
What can i say about andrea that she wont stop whining into my ear? hmmm....

ok well, first met andrea at a doggy exhibition
(thru a pets forum) and for some strange
unexplainable and really weird reason, we clicked!!

haha..we click so well we sleep together, eat
together, stayed together (for
awhile..aha),and ..and...even bathe together wor!
ahaha!!



she's a really sweet girl, whose motto is to make
the world happy and provide a big fluffy pillow
for people in case they 'fall'..dat's Andrea =)

She's unpretentious, whiny, giggly, vain(HEE!),
extremely guniang..BUT the girl has teken judo
lessons before so dont take her for granted!!

Love....

What is Love?

Some people live their whole life...
without ever discovering what exactly is it..

Love is unselfish
Love is getting butterflies whenever they are near
Love is doing anything and everything just to
see their smile
Love is getting holding eagerly to the phone in case they call
Love is feeling invincible whenever you're together
Love is feeling u can wheather the worst of storms together
Love is wondering why they love you like they do
Love is not doubting that they love you too
Love is crying forever when they break your heart
Love is thinking, dreaming, remembering them
every minute you're apart
Love is embarassing yourself in public just to make them laugh
Love is sacrifice, and never used as a weapon
Love is waking up early to make them breakfast in bed
Love is smiling when you're alone 'cuz their face
popped into your head
Love is never leaving them home alone to go to the bar
Love is listening to their bad day story all through the night
Love is missing your fav show to take them shopping
Love is worrying when you don't recieve their late night call
Love is writing them love letters when you have nothing to say
Love is eating the very nastiest of their foods
Love is remembering every anniversary
Love is everything about them that when they're away, you miss
Love is not hesitating to bend down on one knee
Love is giving them your heart and the key
Love is telling them you love them, morning, noon, and night
Love is letting them win every little fight
Love is a feeling that many never find
Love is having a guy just like mine =)

I love you Lutz....i've loved you for so long..
I forgot how to love anyone else...
=

Puff...
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: all my life - KC & JoJo
'Puff died in your hands'

Those are the words that will stay with
me for a long while.

We did not mean to cause your death,
and we did our best...please forgive us..

While many people would choose to dwell on your death and how you died..
I choose to remember you when you were alive.

The happy look on your face when you saw us, especially when we took your leash out.
Your excited gruntings and snorts when you
saw the big space in which you could run.
The happy and joyful steps and all the play
you had with Cherrie.

You led a life which you deserve better, Puff...
I'm sorry you have left us, but I'm glad you
have found your place among the angels at last...
23 April is the day that I choose to remember
you by, as you never seemed to be happier...

Sleep anywhere you please,
Claim all the trees for yourself,
Grunt all you want; for there,
with the angels, u are always safe... =)

Life....
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Disappear - Hoobstank

Do u sometimes feel that you don't know what to make of life? well, i do....

I did my share of hurting, some more on others...sometimes it's just so easy to say, I dont want to hurt anymore but sometimes, without meaning to, I do...people I love, who love me...people i trust, people who trust me...

i've always been this way, i build a wall around me to protect myself from getting hurt, but what i do not realise sometimes that people who love me, get hurt trying to break down the wall..a world of my own where i can be what i want, whom i want and when i want to be..

Eugene says it best, 'Put us in a room of friends, and yet we will feel alone'...I can find no better words to describe..

Life sometimes throws us a curved ball and sometimes we miss or by luck and fate, we catch it..sometimes..just sometimes we miss...and what do we do then? Do we dodge or do we try to catch and fall anyway?

Perhaps its time to let the wall crumble..=/